ʄɑℓℓ in ℓօѵɛ with as ϻaƞყ things as pօssɪbℓɛ ♡
It becomes hard to breathe at times. Like the world is closing around me then it becomes dark. My vision isn’t impaired, my mind is. My demons awaken from their short slumber and begin picking me apart, shredding me away to nothing, escorting me back to my innocents. There I am naked and ashamed, drowning in an ocean of shadows. She’s back. Depression is back.
She doesn’t leave me, she’s not that kind, she does however rest from time to time. She’s mostly afraid of daylight but sometimes even she will join me then. Forcing me into a zombie state of motions and fake smiles, leaving me exhausted at the end of an unsuccessful day. Those times are the worst. Most nights she comes and the breathing becomes difficult all over again.
She doesn’t mean to be bad, at least I don’t think she does, she just wants me to be like them… perfect. She wants my body to be skinny, and my head to be smart. My face to be gorgeous, and my lips to be touched. I always cry when she’s around though, I usually am fighting with her, our fights get pretty intense if you ask me. I tell her it’s impossible, I’ll never be like them and she tells me I have to try. Usually at this point in the conversation I try to leave, but then she calls the rest of the demons and they whisper in my ear. "Reach for the razor blade" they screech. "Throw up that food" they bellow. "Die" they scream. Then for a moment they’re not against me, we’re all on the same team. But even then I am afraid to take my final breath. And then another thing wrong with me is added to their list.
And the breathing becomes difficult all over again.
—- back from March.